How To Fake Sports Knowledge
How to Fake Knowledge of Sports
Sports talk is a social obsession for the masses. It happens man-to-man, man-to-woman, woman-to-woman and woman-to-man. When you talk sports, you bond with people. Lots of people. It’s a massive bonding orgy. Bonding can mean closing that next business deal, getting an invite to that hip party, making it to that critical second date and more. Read on to learn how to fake this sports knowledge.
Scan the sports section for highlights and regurgitate back in conversation.In addition to being used to collect droppings at the bottom of a bird cage, as a key ingredient for paper mache projects or to start a fire in your fireplace, the sports section of the newspaper serves another purpose. Believe it or not, it can be read. Not for enjoyment, mind you, but for intelligence gathering. Every morning, usually when I’m on the train heading into work, I spend about 10 minutes scanning the sports section. It gives me just enough information to fake the conversation for the day. It tells me who won, who lost and what the scores were. I also learn about key plays, major injuries or any controversial calls. Basically, the sports section distills a three-hour game into about a three-minute read. The key here is to make the headlines sound like your own words.
Know the basics of "the game." Simulating sports talk is like learning how to speak conversational French or Spanish. There are some basics you just need to know to get by. For example, when talking sports scores, know that football uses touchdowns, baseball runs, basketball points and hockey goals. Another basic? You absolutely, positively need to know the names of your home teams.
Try to answer questions with questions.If a sports talker asks “How ‘bout that game last night?” and you have no idea what game he or she is talking about, the safe answer is always “Can you believe it?”. The beauty of this answer is that its non-committal. It doesn’t say whether or not you watched the game and it doesn’t matter how the game turned out. It could have been great or lousy. “Can you believe it?” works for just about every scenario imaginable. Plus, you’ve applied the “reverse question block” where you answer a question with a question. This gets the sports talker talking more, which provides you with valuable sound bites to parrot back.
Always have an exit strategy in place.This is where, in desperation, you throw up your hands in the middle of a sports conversation, shout “I can’t even talk about this anymore” and stomp off. This is acceptable as you're clearly emotional about the sport - as any true fan would be.
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